The road to acceptance is long

It has been nearly three weeks since I got a referral from my GP and I really can’t wait when I get my Asperger’s syndrom assessment. I simply want to know and I want to accept it.

Right now I am emotionally stuck somewhere between anger, sadness, and frustration. It drives me mad to actually admit that my brain is not neurotypical. Because it will mean that all that effort I have put into fitting in was pointless. So maybe if I close my eyes and count to three, I will discover that it was only a bad dream. And I am normal.

It makes me angry that it so much easier for the neurotypicals to deal with social situations. They know how to mingle, how to do small talk and how to bond. I, on the other hand, need to pull the right script from my memory to then act according to it. And if I don’t have one, I spend time trying to develop one and even then I know it is only a bad imitation of a real experience. It is like seeing a candy through a window and licking the glass.

Finally, I am very sad because I feel lost with all of this. And I know that many painful situations in my life, especially in my childhood, could have been avoided if only people around me understood and accepted I am different.

I hope one day I manage to get over these feelings and embrace myself the way I am. If all you Aspies out there could do it, perhaps I can too.

To Aspie or not to Aspie?

After years of being at least slightly different, I think I am finally ready to accept that I might be an Aspie. I have had my GP appointment today and the doctor agreed that I should get a referral but she also warned me that the whole process may take up to 12 months. So hopefully a year from now I will know what is wrong different with me.

Right now there is a part of me which is happy about the referral and potential clarification of why social situations are so hard. But a different part of me is not because it feels like saying you are not normal. And to make the things worse, over all those years I have built up a massive piece of guilt of being different and it has just resurfaced.

I am not sure where it all will take me. I hope it will be a bit better place or that at least some social challenges will be easier to deal with.


The strangest taxidermy ever

If you like vintage things, you should visit Hastings. Its old streets are full of small shops with truly unique and random stuff. Just like this taxidermy of a… shaved cat. Even the rest of stuffed animals seems to be a bit shocked.



How to confuse wealthy people at an art event

Living in London means an easy access to culture thanks to hundreds of theatres, museums, galleries and concert halls. As a result Londoners are quite relaxed about their outfits when setting off for a cultural experience. It is simply part of everyday life.

So when I got an invite from Maryam to join her for an opening evening of an art exhibition, I didn’t spend much time pondering what to wear. A comfy sweater, black leggings, vintage looking white trainers and wind proof jacket. Obviously, I added some accessories –  a woolish hat from Primark and a small plastic bag to accommodate a book I am reading.


But this time my extremely casual look was or too casual, or the attendees may have suspect I am an eccentric, Steve Jobs-like visionary and art-lover. Why? Because they all were as formal as the event itself and were quite confused how to categorized us, especially when we started moving our hands in front of each artwork to make interpretation more visual.


So if you ever want to see wealthy people puzzled, take a note of my outfit that evening and wear to every single formal event. Also don’t forget about being quite expressive with your hand gestures. You will make an impact. Or they will not let you in.

Spring is coming!

Once a year a very ordinary patch located next to train tracks changes into a colorful garden.

And this can mean only one thing – the spring is finally coming!

A drop of swimming pool philosphy

Learning swimming is not that easy once you reach adulthood. Water is too wet and too cold, swimming pool is too deep even at the shallow end and all those annoying kids dare to enjoy splashing. On top of that you are asked to lay on water and simply relax.

As a beginner swimmer with only two months of experience I still remember the stress of getting into water. My brain was constantly scared. The environment was so unfamiliar and the more I was trying to float the more I was failing. Until I realized that

we are used to taking actions to do or get something but sometimes it is best when we do nothing. 

And that what floating is about – you lay on your back and water does the hard job. It seems to be such an obvious thing and I am pretty sure it is for many of us. The only problem is that once you are trained to always take actions, you do it unconsciously. Even when you are failing, you are pushing more and more believing it will finally get you where you want.
Sometimes you just need to let it go. Take a deep breath, lay on water and relax.