The road to acceptance is long

It has been nearly three weeks since I got a referral from my GP and I really can’t wait when I get my Asperger’s syndrom assessment. I simply want to know and I want to accept it.

Right now I am emotionally stuck somewhere between anger, sadness, and frustration. It drives me mad to actually admit that my brain is not neurotypical. Because it will mean that all that effort I have put into fitting in was pointless. So maybe if I close my eyes and count to three, I will discover that it was only a bad dream. And I am normal.

It makes me angry that it so much easier for the neurotypicals to deal with social situations. They know how to mingle, how to do small talk and how to bond. I, on the other hand, need to pull the right script from my memory to then act according to it. And if I don’t have one, I spend time trying to develop one and even then I know it is only a bad imitation of a real experience. It is like seeing a candy through a window and licking the glass.

Finally, I am very sad because I feel lost with all of this. And I know that many painful situations in my life, especially in my childhood, could have been avoided if only people around me understood and accepted I am different.

I hope one day I manage to get over these feelings and embrace myself the way I am. If all you Aspies out there could do it, perhaps I can too.

To Aspie or not to Aspie?

After years of being at least slightly different, I think I am finally ready to accept that I might be an Aspie. I have had my GP appointment today and the doctor agreed that I should get a referral but she also warned me that the whole process may take up to 12 months. So hopefully a year from now I will know what is wrong different with me.

Right now there is a part of me which is happy about the referral and potential clarification of why social situations are so hard. But a different part of me is not because it feels like saying you are not normal. And to make the things worse, over all those years I have built up a massive piece of guilt of being different and it has just resurfaced.

I am not sure where it all will take me. I hope it will be a bit better place or that at least some social challenges will be easier to deal with.